Life as I Know It

Two Years.

A lot happens in two years.

Lets give a bit of an update.

I am still living on my own in the big city, but now, I'm thrived by the hustle and bustle instead of terrified of it. I know my way around better than I ever thought I could, and have become a bit of a subway master, if I do say so myself. I used to wish every night that I could go back to the comforts of the suburbs, now you couldn't even PAY me to leave the city! Who would have thought that hidden, deep as it may have been, inside of me was a city girl (even if it does mean that I'm living in a lonely world, but, unlike the burbs from here I can actually hop on a midnight train going anywhere if I so pleased).

And yeah, I just quoted Journey, whatcha gonna do about it?

One of the best decisions I've ever made, the one that has truly changed me to the very core, was also one of the most terrifying, and that was moving to England for last summer. I was an intern for my dad's company (selling steel, you know, what kids dream about at night) doing a job that I had absolutely no idea whatsoever how to do, living in a foreign country, with no one around I even know. Sometimes I actually can't believe that I had the guts to do something like that, but it really shows that in order to get the big payoff, you really have to take a chance and put yourself out there.

And it ended up being the best summer of my life. I met people that showed me that there are other options to life than marrying young, popping out some kids, and living in the perfectly manicured suburbs. I did things that pushed me as a person, and made me learn about who I really am. 

Coming home was one of the toughest things I've ever done, if I had my way, I would have never left.

Right now I'm living so far away from my family, and in so many ways I'm all alone, but at the same time I've really made a home here. The friends that I talked about making when I first moved to the city? They've become my family, I know that I can rely on them for anything, at any time. I've come to realize that those sitcom friendships can be real, and they can be even better than I thought. Once *I* was able to accept me for who I really am, I was able to meet people that do too.

The friends that I have now are so incredible, it seems like I'm always laughing when I'm around them. With them I'm truly my silly, goofy self, and we have more fun than I've ever had - even when we're really doing nothing. But at the same time they've been there through the tough stuff, been a shoulder to cry on and there to offer advice.

I've come to learn that you meet everyone for a reason, and it might be that you've met a person who's going to be in your life forever, but it might also be that they are there to teach you a lesson. Just because a person may not be a future bridesmaid, doesn't mean that they won't make an impact on your life.

One of the biggest things that have happened in these past couple years is the family that I've lost, and the ones that I've gained in that time. Earlier this year I lost one of the people who I could once never have imagined my life without; she was my rock, my inspiration and one of the greatest people I have ever and will ever meet. Unlike most people I have been lucky enough to be able to be raised by two sets of parents - my parents, as well as my grandparents. When I meet people who never really got to know their grandparents I realize how lucky I truly was in my childhood. But earlier this year, my grandmother passed away. It ripped my soul completely apart, because in so many ways I lost my mother.

As for my birth mother? We've always had a rocky relationship, and in the past couple years we've been at a standstill, I don't really speak to her much. She moved in with her boyfriend (whom is the only person in the world I will use hate to describe) and seemed to forget that she ever had a daughter. It's always been tough, but since losing my grandmother its been that much worse - it didn't bother me that much because I had my other "mother" who was always there for me.

But, at the same time, I have become so close with my father. I came to realize that I never really knew my father growing up, and now that I'm coming to form a relationship with him as an adult I've come to see just how alike we really are. He's just as shy, nerdy, and awkward as I am - he's just had more time to adapt to the world. I've come to realize how much anger and resentment I held towards him for so long, and having let go of that has been such an amazing feeling.

All in all, I am so happy with my life. It's become a crazy adventure, and I know that it's just getting started. But for as much as my perspective has been changing, I really am still
Just Another Wide Eyed Girl

It's Been Two Years...

It's been two years since I last posted on this blog, a friend of mine sent me a message about finding their old blog which made me remember this one.

I really suck at the whole blogging thing. And I'm still just as bad with all social media - I've come to hate Facebook a little bit, and tried Twitter, but that lasted for only about a month.
I guess other people like to broadcast their lives to others, they like to feel that validation, I've never really had that need. However, I did like my original idea two years ago to use this as a writing outlet.

What's funny is reading through my old posts and seeing just how little has changed, and at the same time, just how much. In so many ways I feel like a completely different person than I was two years ago. I found a confidence in myself that I never could have imagined would be there. I've found happiness, true happiness, and realized just how deep and dark my depression was.

I did, in fact, go back to school like I was planning, and just graduated from college, with honours nonetheless. I've now transferred my credits and am in third year of university, taking psychology. If you would have told me two years ago that I'd be taking a class on neuroscience I would have laughed in your face, but I actually feel like I've found my calling. I want to help people. I want to be a person that the scared and lonely girls, like the one that started this blog, can be able to go to. I want to be able to teach others the lessons that I learned the hard way - that life can be beautiful, that its all about changing your perspective, and that the right attitude can literally change everything.

Every single person has to face hardships. But instead of the anchors drowning us, we have to learn that they can serve a purpose - they can keep us stable when the tides get rough, grounded. It's the negative experiences and how we deal with them that make us who we really are.

But, despite some new healthier perspectives, I'm still the same hopeless romantic, living a fantasy life inside her own head. Sometimes I'm afraid that I spend so much time dreaming up perfect scenarios that I'm missing out on life itself. Some days I really feel like Belle from Beauty and the Beast, without the whole being the most beautiful girl in town. I'm just the girl who's a little off, a little weird, who spends her time with her nose buried in a book and dreaming of adventures in the great wide somewhere.

Too bad my life isn't a Disney movie though, and I don't have a handsome prince transfigured by a witch to give me a library. Man....that library, a girl can dream though, right?

But, back to the point. She spends all her time daydreaming about an adventure-filled life instead of going out and having one - and I feel like that's me. I spend more time dreaming about Jake Ryan waiting out front of that church for me than going out and meeting people. And as much as I can dream about adventure, it's kind of obvious that I don't really have the guts. Just talking to people I don't know makes my heart race with panic, I'm faced with my worst nightmare - people realizing just how much of a loser I really am.

But, my life was not directed by John Hughes, and the dreamy guy doesn't see through my awkwardness to see the girl underneath. The difference from two years ago and now though? Now I am so much more comfortable with that. I am finally happy to be myself, and truly comfortable in my own skin. You know what? I'm goofy, and ridiculous, a total nerd, and a bit of a loser. And that's awesome. I can recite endless quotes from movies and TV shows, impress you with my knowledge of completely useless trivia, and cheer on the Leafs until I lose my voice (YEAH PLAYOFFS BABY!). And that's what makes me me, and I am never going to change myself for anyone else ever again. I know that one day I'll meet someone who will not only accept my quirks and oddities, but love them. Prince Charming may not be out there, but I sure as hell am not Cinderella, and he would probably be a total bore anyways.

The number one lesson I've learned in these last two years? That you have to learn to love yourself before you can ever expect anyone else to.

But don't worry,
I'll always be
Just Another Wide-Eyed Girl

Help! I need somebody! Help! Not just anybody!

Hey...

Remember me?
We used to be friends.
Best Friends.

Remember when we used to stay up all night just laughing
about nothing really at all
Remember when I used to come to you with my problems

I still have all the photos
The smiling faces that surround me seem to be mocking me

I remember
I just don't think you do anymore.

Why can't my life be more like a sitcom?
Where you have your group of best friends who are always together and always there for you
That group that never splits up

It seems the older I get the harder it is to keep things together
Things that I once thought were so strong they could never fall
Are crumbling right before my eyes
Coming apart along the seams.

Maybe friendships like that only really exist on TV
Maybe they're created by idealists like me, who spend way to much of their time in their own head
In a fantasy world where no one ever turns their back on you
Where forever actually means something
And where you never feel this alone.


I sit here and watch you move on
As I'm here all alone
Just Another Wide Eyed Girl

I see your brown eyes, every time I close mine

I've been thinking about the past a lot lately.

Past decisions.
Regrets.
Second chances.

It seems that exactly a year ago was when the wheels began to move and my life really started to change. And as everyday passes this July I think back to 2010 and how different things really are now.

A year ago I lived in a different town. I had different friends. I was madly in love with someone who completely looked me over. I was content working a minimum wage job and getting stoned daily, it was the closest thing to a rebellious period I've ever had (and even then, I always told my mum where I was going and who I was with - I really fail at the whole rebel thing).

I think back to last year and laugh at how not only my life was different, but how different I was. I was a spoiled suburban child from an upper-middle class family. I had never been on my own and didn't even know how to do my own laundry or make my own bed (....I really wish that last part was a joke, but no, I had to have a friend teach me how to put on a fitted sheet).

There are days when I cry and miss the way things used to be, but slowly, as time goes on, the city is starting to feel more like home and less like a prison sentence. I've made some pretty amazing friends, ones who have helped me more than they'll ever realize. What's helping is thinking of how things aren't the same, that even if I was to go back right now it would be completely different. That boy I was madly in love with? Yeah, he dated my (now ex)best friend. That job that was hardly work? The friends that made it so amazing have all left.

Life moves on
Life changes
You just have to realize that when one door of happiness closes, another really does open. The problem is, most of us are too busy staring after the closed door to notice the new one.

I just wish I could find the reason for feeling the way I did. I was convinced he was my soulmate, he was one of my closest friends, and I spent nearly all my free time with him. He could make me laugh a real genuine laugh, the kind I before thought was lost to me forever. He would touch my arm, or hold my hand and I would feel electric currents throughout my entire body. He has this way of holding your eye contact and can make you feel like the only person in the world. Every guy I meet I instantly compare to him, and no one really matches up. I stare at his facebook profile (I know I sound like a stalker right now :S) and debate whether or not I should send him a message. Other than a happy birthday I've been good. I decided a little while ago that I wouldn't be able to get over him if I was still talking to him all the time. That distance is a good thing.

....I guess I overestimated how over him I really was.
It's that little thought in the back of my mind saying that if I had told him how I felt, or if I made a move maybe he really did feel the same way. Maybe I had a chance, but I missed it. I've always assumed that he knew, but from talking to a good mutual friend, maybe it wasn't as obvious as I thought it was. Maybe those touches, glances and talks until 5am really were something more.
Or maybe I am right, that he never saw me as anything more than a friend.
After all, he landed pretty much the prettiest girl I've ever met.
She was that friend, everybody has one, that will always be just that bit prettier. Just that bit skinnier. Just that bit more tanned. That girl you will never be.

Because me? I'm
Just Another Wide Eyed Girl

You be the Prince & I'll be the Princess

I'm a hopeless romantic.

It's probably because I've spent too much time in the land of fiction, but I tend to live my life out inside my head. It's my greatest flaw.

Not only am I a hopeless romantic, but I'm also a huge chicken.
Not a good combination at all.
I have a bad case of the 'should have's...
I should have told him how I felt
I should have said yes
I should have had some guts.

I've always had an overactive imagination. It's probably why I love reading so much; I can truly escape - I can close my eyes and enter Narnia, or be inside Hogwarts, or even be at the centre of a fairy tale. This is probably the reason why I do so well on my own, I can always enter these dream worlds and be in a better place than the one I have left.

I live a whole life inside my head. I dream of one day meeting the One. I dream of someone holding a boombox outside my window, of kissing in the pouring rain, of being serenaded with a guitar in hand. We'd cuddle on the couch and watch movies together. He'd get along with my friends. Just looking into his eyes would make me feel all gooey inside. I dream of the great literary heroes paling in comparison next to my guy.

I want a story that starts with Once Upon a Time...
And ends with a happily ever after

But what does this lead to? Unrealistic expectations. Prince Charming exist, and even if he did, I'm the furthest thing from Cinderella. I'm a girl who loves watching hockey, drinking beer, hell, I can belch louder than most of the guys I know. I'm not the type of girl a guy sees from across the room and time stands still. I'm the type of girl who laughs a little too hard at a dirty joke. Girls like me don't get the leading roles, girls like me are there in the background, supporting cast.

I want so desperately for these grand gestures of love to really exist. But the truth is they're as much fantasy as LOTR. And yet, despite myself, I always seem to be waiting for something. Waiting for that picture perfect romance.

Maybe one day....

But for now I'm
Just Another Wide Eyed Girl

Here goes nothing...

I've spent my entire life writing, whether it be journaling, short stories, even a novel. It's been a form of therapy in hard times and my creative outlet. There are so many times when I can almost feel a story coursing through my veins just begging to be let out.

My cousin, an avid blogger and social media queen (me? I can barely handle facebook and to be perfectly honest twitter kind of scares me) suggested I try blogging. I can't think of anyone that would find my thoughts interesting and scoffed it off, but today I'm taking a leap and trying something different. It's not about being read (I honestly can't see anybody that would be reading this, and if you are kudos to you!) it's simply about doing for the sake of doing it.

So...

I should probably start this off by saying a little something about myself

I'm Canadian and proud of it! Like any good Canadian girl, I love hockey; like any great Canadian girl, I love the the Leafs. I recently moved out on my own to downtown Toronto, I'm a suburbs child to the core and am still terrified of the city. My heart pounds in fear just walking past homeless people.

I've worked at Starbucks for the past 2 years and yet hate coffee, don't drink a drop of it.
I recently have decided to go back to school so I can have a future aside from pouring coffee for caffeine deprived people at ungodly hours of the morning.

I'm a huge bookworm, with most of my childhood being spent with my nose in a book.
Harry Potter has made a bigger impact on my life than any singular person has.

I'm a movie junkie and have a little bit of an addiction to buying DVDs.

I'm a chrononberg, the term my boss coined to say that I have Chron's disease. It's actually a really quite disgusting disease and has caused a lot of hardships and pain. In the end getting through this and finding a lifestyle that suits my health needs has made me a stronger person - and helped me realize that friends who will stand by you when you curled up in pain are the truest kind; and with friends like that you can get through anything.

Unlike most girls my age I have no problems being alone, I much prefer it that way. I've never really had a real boyfriend, most of my friends say it's because I'm too picky, I see it as not being about to compromise on what I want. There are a lot of times I will say no to going out to a party or a bar in favour of staying home and watching a movie or read a good book.


All in all I really am
Just Another Wide Eyed Girl

<3