Life as I Know It

Two Years.

A lot happens in two years.

Lets give a bit of an update.

I am still living on my own in the big city, but now, I'm thrived by the hustle and bustle instead of terrified of it. I know my way around better than I ever thought I could, and have become a bit of a subway master, if I do say so myself. I used to wish every night that I could go back to the comforts of the suburbs, now you couldn't even PAY me to leave the city! Who would have thought that hidden, deep as it may have been, inside of me was a city girl (even if it does mean that I'm living in a lonely world, but, unlike the burbs from here I can actually hop on a midnight train going anywhere if I so pleased).

And yeah, I just quoted Journey, whatcha gonna do about it?

One of the best decisions I've ever made, the one that has truly changed me to the very core, was also one of the most terrifying, and that was moving to England for last summer. I was an intern for my dad's company (selling steel, you know, what kids dream about at night) doing a job that I had absolutely no idea whatsoever how to do, living in a foreign country, with no one around I even know. Sometimes I actually can't believe that I had the guts to do something like that, but it really shows that in order to get the big payoff, you really have to take a chance and put yourself out there.

And it ended up being the best summer of my life. I met people that showed me that there are other options to life than marrying young, popping out some kids, and living in the perfectly manicured suburbs. I did things that pushed me as a person, and made me learn about who I really am. 

Coming home was one of the toughest things I've ever done, if I had my way, I would have never left.

Right now I'm living so far away from my family, and in so many ways I'm all alone, but at the same time I've really made a home here. The friends that I talked about making when I first moved to the city? They've become my family, I know that I can rely on them for anything, at any time. I've come to realize that those sitcom friendships can be real, and they can be even better than I thought. Once *I* was able to accept me for who I really am, I was able to meet people that do too.

The friends that I have now are so incredible, it seems like I'm always laughing when I'm around them. With them I'm truly my silly, goofy self, and we have more fun than I've ever had - even when we're really doing nothing. But at the same time they've been there through the tough stuff, been a shoulder to cry on and there to offer advice.

I've come to learn that you meet everyone for a reason, and it might be that you've met a person who's going to be in your life forever, but it might also be that they are there to teach you a lesson. Just because a person may not be a future bridesmaid, doesn't mean that they won't make an impact on your life.

One of the biggest things that have happened in these past couple years is the family that I've lost, and the ones that I've gained in that time. Earlier this year I lost one of the people who I could once never have imagined my life without; she was my rock, my inspiration and one of the greatest people I have ever and will ever meet. Unlike most people I have been lucky enough to be able to be raised by two sets of parents - my parents, as well as my grandparents. When I meet people who never really got to know their grandparents I realize how lucky I truly was in my childhood. But earlier this year, my grandmother passed away. It ripped my soul completely apart, because in so many ways I lost my mother.

As for my birth mother? We've always had a rocky relationship, and in the past couple years we've been at a standstill, I don't really speak to her much. She moved in with her boyfriend (whom is the only person in the world I will use hate to describe) and seemed to forget that she ever had a daughter. It's always been tough, but since losing my grandmother its been that much worse - it didn't bother me that much because I had my other "mother" who was always there for me.

But, at the same time, I have become so close with my father. I came to realize that I never really knew my father growing up, and now that I'm coming to form a relationship with him as an adult I've come to see just how alike we really are. He's just as shy, nerdy, and awkward as I am - he's just had more time to adapt to the world. I've come to realize how much anger and resentment I held towards him for so long, and having let go of that has been such an amazing feeling.

All in all, I am so happy with my life. It's become a crazy adventure, and I know that it's just getting started. But for as much as my perspective has been changing, I really am still
Just Another Wide Eyed Girl

It's Been Two Years...

It's been two years since I last posted on this blog, a friend of mine sent me a message about finding their old blog which made me remember this one.

I really suck at the whole blogging thing. And I'm still just as bad with all social media - I've come to hate Facebook a little bit, and tried Twitter, but that lasted for only about a month.
I guess other people like to broadcast their lives to others, they like to feel that validation, I've never really had that need. However, I did like my original idea two years ago to use this as a writing outlet.

What's funny is reading through my old posts and seeing just how little has changed, and at the same time, just how much. In so many ways I feel like a completely different person than I was two years ago. I found a confidence in myself that I never could have imagined would be there. I've found happiness, true happiness, and realized just how deep and dark my depression was.

I did, in fact, go back to school like I was planning, and just graduated from college, with honours nonetheless. I've now transferred my credits and am in third year of university, taking psychology. If you would have told me two years ago that I'd be taking a class on neuroscience I would have laughed in your face, but I actually feel like I've found my calling. I want to help people. I want to be a person that the scared and lonely girls, like the one that started this blog, can be able to go to. I want to be able to teach others the lessons that I learned the hard way - that life can be beautiful, that its all about changing your perspective, and that the right attitude can literally change everything.

Every single person has to face hardships. But instead of the anchors drowning us, we have to learn that they can serve a purpose - they can keep us stable when the tides get rough, grounded. It's the negative experiences and how we deal with them that make us who we really are.

But, despite some new healthier perspectives, I'm still the same hopeless romantic, living a fantasy life inside her own head. Sometimes I'm afraid that I spend so much time dreaming up perfect scenarios that I'm missing out on life itself. Some days I really feel like Belle from Beauty and the Beast, without the whole being the most beautiful girl in town. I'm just the girl who's a little off, a little weird, who spends her time with her nose buried in a book and dreaming of adventures in the great wide somewhere.

Too bad my life isn't a Disney movie though, and I don't have a handsome prince transfigured by a witch to give me a library. Man....that library, a girl can dream though, right?

But, back to the point. She spends all her time daydreaming about an adventure-filled life instead of going out and having one - and I feel like that's me. I spend more time dreaming about Jake Ryan waiting out front of that church for me than going out and meeting people. And as much as I can dream about adventure, it's kind of obvious that I don't really have the guts. Just talking to people I don't know makes my heart race with panic, I'm faced with my worst nightmare - people realizing just how much of a loser I really am.

But, my life was not directed by John Hughes, and the dreamy guy doesn't see through my awkwardness to see the girl underneath. The difference from two years ago and now though? Now I am so much more comfortable with that. I am finally happy to be myself, and truly comfortable in my own skin. You know what? I'm goofy, and ridiculous, a total nerd, and a bit of a loser. And that's awesome. I can recite endless quotes from movies and TV shows, impress you with my knowledge of completely useless trivia, and cheer on the Leafs until I lose my voice (YEAH PLAYOFFS BABY!). And that's what makes me me, and I am never going to change myself for anyone else ever again. I know that one day I'll meet someone who will not only accept my quirks and oddities, but love them. Prince Charming may not be out there, but I sure as hell am not Cinderella, and he would probably be a total bore anyways.

The number one lesson I've learned in these last two years? That you have to learn to love yourself before you can ever expect anyone else to.

But don't worry,
I'll always be
Just Another Wide-Eyed Girl