Help! I need somebody! Help! Not just anybody!

Hey...

Remember me?
We used to be friends.
Best Friends.

Remember when we used to stay up all night just laughing
about nothing really at all
Remember when I used to come to you with my problems

I still have all the photos
The smiling faces that surround me seem to be mocking me

I remember
I just don't think you do anymore.

Why can't my life be more like a sitcom?
Where you have your group of best friends who are always together and always there for you
That group that never splits up

It seems the older I get the harder it is to keep things together
Things that I once thought were so strong they could never fall
Are crumbling right before my eyes
Coming apart along the seams.

Maybe friendships like that only really exist on TV
Maybe they're created by idealists like me, who spend way to much of their time in their own head
In a fantasy world where no one ever turns their back on you
Where forever actually means something
And where you never feel this alone.


I sit here and watch you move on
As I'm here all alone
Just Another Wide Eyed Girl

I see your brown eyes, every time I close mine

I've been thinking about the past a lot lately.

Past decisions.
Regrets.
Second chances.

It seems that exactly a year ago was when the wheels began to move and my life really started to change. And as everyday passes this July I think back to 2010 and how different things really are now.

A year ago I lived in a different town. I had different friends. I was madly in love with someone who completely looked me over. I was content working a minimum wage job and getting stoned daily, it was the closest thing to a rebellious period I've ever had (and even then, I always told my mum where I was going and who I was with - I really fail at the whole rebel thing).

I think back to last year and laugh at how not only my life was different, but how different I was. I was a spoiled suburban child from an upper-middle class family. I had never been on my own and didn't even know how to do my own laundry or make my own bed (....I really wish that last part was a joke, but no, I had to have a friend teach me how to put on a fitted sheet).

There are days when I cry and miss the way things used to be, but slowly, as time goes on, the city is starting to feel more like home and less like a prison sentence. I've made some pretty amazing friends, ones who have helped me more than they'll ever realize. What's helping is thinking of how things aren't the same, that even if I was to go back right now it would be completely different. That boy I was madly in love with? Yeah, he dated my (now ex)best friend. That job that was hardly work? The friends that made it so amazing have all left.

Life moves on
Life changes
You just have to realize that when one door of happiness closes, another really does open. The problem is, most of us are too busy staring after the closed door to notice the new one.

I just wish I could find the reason for feeling the way I did. I was convinced he was my soulmate, he was one of my closest friends, and I spent nearly all my free time with him. He could make me laugh a real genuine laugh, the kind I before thought was lost to me forever. He would touch my arm, or hold my hand and I would feel electric currents throughout my entire body. He has this way of holding your eye contact and can make you feel like the only person in the world. Every guy I meet I instantly compare to him, and no one really matches up. I stare at his facebook profile (I know I sound like a stalker right now :S) and debate whether or not I should send him a message. Other than a happy birthday I've been good. I decided a little while ago that I wouldn't be able to get over him if I was still talking to him all the time. That distance is a good thing.

....I guess I overestimated how over him I really was.
It's that little thought in the back of my mind saying that if I had told him how I felt, or if I made a move maybe he really did feel the same way. Maybe I had a chance, but I missed it. I've always assumed that he knew, but from talking to a good mutual friend, maybe it wasn't as obvious as I thought it was. Maybe those touches, glances and talks until 5am really were something more.
Or maybe I am right, that he never saw me as anything more than a friend.
After all, he landed pretty much the prettiest girl I've ever met.
She was that friend, everybody has one, that will always be just that bit prettier. Just that bit skinnier. Just that bit more tanned. That girl you will never be.

Because me? I'm
Just Another Wide Eyed Girl

You be the Prince & I'll be the Princess

I'm a hopeless romantic.

It's probably because I've spent too much time in the land of fiction, but I tend to live my life out inside my head. It's my greatest flaw.

Not only am I a hopeless romantic, but I'm also a huge chicken.
Not a good combination at all.
I have a bad case of the 'should have's...
I should have told him how I felt
I should have said yes
I should have had some guts.

I've always had an overactive imagination. It's probably why I love reading so much; I can truly escape - I can close my eyes and enter Narnia, or be inside Hogwarts, or even be at the centre of a fairy tale. This is probably the reason why I do so well on my own, I can always enter these dream worlds and be in a better place than the one I have left.

I live a whole life inside my head. I dream of one day meeting the One. I dream of someone holding a boombox outside my window, of kissing in the pouring rain, of being serenaded with a guitar in hand. We'd cuddle on the couch and watch movies together. He'd get along with my friends. Just looking into his eyes would make me feel all gooey inside. I dream of the great literary heroes paling in comparison next to my guy.

I want a story that starts with Once Upon a Time...
And ends with a happily ever after

But what does this lead to? Unrealistic expectations. Prince Charming exist, and even if he did, I'm the furthest thing from Cinderella. I'm a girl who loves watching hockey, drinking beer, hell, I can belch louder than most of the guys I know. I'm not the type of girl a guy sees from across the room and time stands still. I'm the type of girl who laughs a little too hard at a dirty joke. Girls like me don't get the leading roles, girls like me are there in the background, supporting cast.

I want so desperately for these grand gestures of love to really exist. But the truth is they're as much fantasy as LOTR. And yet, despite myself, I always seem to be waiting for something. Waiting for that picture perfect romance.

Maybe one day....

But for now I'm
Just Another Wide Eyed Girl

Here goes nothing...

I've spent my entire life writing, whether it be journaling, short stories, even a novel. It's been a form of therapy in hard times and my creative outlet. There are so many times when I can almost feel a story coursing through my veins just begging to be let out.

My cousin, an avid blogger and social media queen (me? I can barely handle facebook and to be perfectly honest twitter kind of scares me) suggested I try blogging. I can't think of anyone that would find my thoughts interesting and scoffed it off, but today I'm taking a leap and trying something different. It's not about being read (I honestly can't see anybody that would be reading this, and if you are kudos to you!) it's simply about doing for the sake of doing it.

So...

I should probably start this off by saying a little something about myself

I'm Canadian and proud of it! Like any good Canadian girl, I love hockey; like any great Canadian girl, I love the the Leafs. I recently moved out on my own to downtown Toronto, I'm a suburbs child to the core and am still terrified of the city. My heart pounds in fear just walking past homeless people.

I've worked at Starbucks for the past 2 years and yet hate coffee, don't drink a drop of it.
I recently have decided to go back to school so I can have a future aside from pouring coffee for caffeine deprived people at ungodly hours of the morning.

I'm a huge bookworm, with most of my childhood being spent with my nose in a book.
Harry Potter has made a bigger impact on my life than any singular person has.

I'm a movie junkie and have a little bit of an addiction to buying DVDs.

I'm a chrononberg, the term my boss coined to say that I have Chron's disease. It's actually a really quite disgusting disease and has caused a lot of hardships and pain. In the end getting through this and finding a lifestyle that suits my health needs has made me a stronger person - and helped me realize that friends who will stand by you when you curled up in pain are the truest kind; and with friends like that you can get through anything.

Unlike most girls my age I have no problems being alone, I much prefer it that way. I've never really had a real boyfriend, most of my friends say it's because I'm too picky, I see it as not being about to compromise on what I want. There are a lot of times I will say no to going out to a party or a bar in favour of staying home and watching a movie or read a good book.


All in all I really am
Just Another Wide Eyed Girl

<3