I've been thinking about the past a lot lately.
Past decisions.
Regrets.
Second chances.
It seems that exactly a year ago was when the wheels began to move and my life really started to change. And as everyday passes this July I think back to 2010 and how different things really are now.
A year ago I lived in a different town. I had different friends. I was madly in love with someone who completely looked me over. I was content working a minimum wage job and getting stoned daily, it was the closest thing to a rebellious period I've ever had (and even then, I always told my mum where I was going and who I was with - I really fail at the whole rebel thing).
I think back to last year and laugh at how not only my life was different, but how different I was. I was a spoiled suburban child from an upper-middle class family. I had never been on my own and didn't even know how to do my own laundry or make my own bed (....I really wish that last part was a joke, but no, I had to have a friend teach me how to put on a fitted sheet).
There are days when I cry and miss the way things used to be, but slowly, as time goes on, the city is starting to feel more like home and less like a prison sentence. I've made some pretty amazing friends, ones who have helped me more than they'll ever realize. What's helping is thinking of how things aren't the same, that even if I was to go back right now it would be completely different. That boy I was madly in love with? Yeah, he dated my (now ex)best friend. That job that was hardly work? The friends that made it so amazing have all left.
Life moves on
Life changes
You just have to realize that when one door of happiness closes, another really does open. The problem is, most of us are too busy staring after the closed door to notice the new one.
I just wish I could find the reason for feeling the way I did. I was convinced he was my soulmate, he was one of my closest friends, and I spent nearly all my free time with him. He could make me laugh a real genuine laugh, the kind I before thought was lost to me forever. He would touch my arm, or hold my hand and I would feel electric currents throughout my entire body. He has this way of holding your eye contact and can make you feel like the only person in the world. Every guy I meet I instantly compare to him, and no one really matches up. I stare at his facebook profile (I know I sound like a stalker right now :S) and debate whether or not I should send him a message. Other than a happy birthday I've been good. I decided a little while ago that I wouldn't be able to get over him if I was still talking to him all the time. That distance is a good thing.
....I guess I overestimated how over him I really was.
It's that little thought in the back of my mind saying that if I had told him how I felt, or if I made a move maybe he really did feel the same way. Maybe I had a chance, but I missed it. I've always assumed that he knew, but from talking to a good mutual friend, maybe it wasn't as obvious as I thought it was. Maybe those touches, glances and talks until 5am really were something more.
Or maybe I am right, that he never saw me as anything more than a friend.
After all, he landed pretty much the prettiest girl I've ever met.
She was that friend, everybody has one, that will always be just that bit prettier. Just that bit skinnier. Just that bit more tanned. That girl you will never be.
Because me? I'm
Just Another Wide Eyed Girl
