I really suck at the whole blogging thing. And I'm still just as bad with all social media - I've come to hate Facebook a little bit, and tried Twitter, but that lasted for only about a month.
I guess other people like to broadcast their lives to others, they like to feel that validation, I've never really had that need. However, I did like my original idea two years ago to use this as a writing outlet.
What's funny is reading through my old posts and seeing just how little has changed, and at the same time, just how much. In so many ways I feel like a completely different person than I was two years ago. I found a confidence in myself that I never could have imagined would be there. I've found happiness, true happiness, and realized just how deep and dark my depression was.
I did, in fact, go back to school like I was planning, and just graduated from college, with honours nonetheless. I've now transferred my credits and am in third year of university, taking psychology. If you would have told me two years ago that I'd be taking a class on neuroscience I would have laughed in your face, but I actually feel like I've found my calling. I want to help people. I want to be a person that the scared and lonely girls, like the one that started this blog, can be able to go to. I want to be able to teach others the lessons that I learned the hard way - that life can be beautiful, that its all about changing your perspective, and that the right attitude can literally change everything.
Every single person has to face hardships. But instead of the anchors drowning us, we have to learn that they can serve a purpose - they can keep us stable when the tides get rough, grounded. It's the negative experiences and how we deal with them that make us who we really are.
But, despite some new healthier perspectives, I'm still the same hopeless romantic, living a fantasy life inside her own head. Sometimes I'm afraid that I spend so much time dreaming up perfect scenarios that I'm missing out on life itself. Some days I really feel like Belle from Beauty and the Beast, without the whole being the most beautiful girl in town. I'm just the girl who's a little off, a little weird, who spends her time with her nose buried in a book and dreaming of adventures in the great wide somewhere.
Too bad my life isn't a Disney movie though, and I don't have a handsome prince transfigured by a witch to give me a library. Man....that library, a girl can dream though, right?
But, back to the point. She spends all her time daydreaming about an adventure-filled life instead of going out and having one - and I feel like that's me. I spend more time dreaming about Jake Ryan waiting out front of that church for me than going out and meeting people. And as much as I can dream about adventure, it's kind of obvious that I don't really have the guts. Just talking to people I don't know makes my heart race with panic, I'm faced with my worst nightmare - people realizing just how much of a loser I really am.
But, my life was not directed by John Hughes, and the dreamy guy doesn't see through my awkwardness to see the girl underneath. The difference from two years ago and now though? Now I am so much more comfortable with that. I am finally happy to be myself, and truly comfortable in my own skin. You know what? I'm goofy, and ridiculous, a total nerd, and a bit of a loser. And that's awesome. I can recite endless quotes from movies and TV shows, impress you with my knowledge of completely useless trivia, and cheer on the Leafs until I lose my voice (YEAH PLAYOFFS BABY!). And that's what makes me me, and I am never going to change myself for anyone else ever again. I know that one day I'll meet someone who will not only accept my quirks and oddities, but love them. Prince Charming may not be out there, but I sure as hell am not Cinderella, and he would probably be a total bore anyways.
The number one lesson I've learned in these last two years? That you have to learn to love yourself before you can ever expect anyone else to.
But don't worry,
I'll always be
Just Another Wide-Eyed Girl
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